Because colitis sufferers are continually besieged by well-meaning pundits with information on how to cure colitis I thought I might turn the tables with a few suggestions on how to acquire it. This may throw up a few pointers on how colitis does actually develop.
OK, here goes: Assuming you are reasonably fit, the first thing to recognise is that colitis won't happen overnight. You will need to be a little dedicated. Daily application is the secret here.
First thing to observe is never worry about what you eat. You'll find many doctors will agree on this point. They generally (there are exceptions in everything of course) advocate a rather cavalier attitude to food within normal bounds. For example, they may say that generally whatever you like to eat isn't a problem. Here in Yorkshire (UK) 'a good Sunday Dinner of roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding never did anyone any harm'. And who's to argue?
So, lots of roast potatoes all washed down with a gallon (3.78ltrs) of beer or a couple of bottles of red plonk and... Ole'! Your gut loves to be abused thus.
But first begin the day with a good old fashioned 'Full English' breakfast. That's a large plate of 4/5 slices of fried bacon, 2/3 eggs, 3 large pork sausages, mushrooms, black pudding, tomatoes, with a good helping of baked beans cascading over the sausages. Garnish with liberal amounts of salt and pepper, not forgetting a great dollop of tomato ketchup over everything to add a finishing artistic touch. There...loverly!
A couple of mugs of strong sweet coffee will help wash it all down. It's so enjoyable that it's not unknown for some enthusiastic individuals to indulge in a second helping. Yummy!
Don't worry too much if you can't manage a blueberry muffin after that. You can have that later. For now, if you have time, enjoy another coffee with a cigarette to round it all off. You can have the muffin in half a hour or so with another coffee when you begin to feel a little peckish.
Between meals enjoy a bag of crisps or a chocolate snack bar. Help it down with a coke or other highly colored fizzy soft drink.
For lunch you have several choices: Large Fish 'n' Chips. Don't forget to be generous with lots of salt and vinegar. Fill up on several slices of bread and butter. Yes, refined (very refined) white bread is excellent. A bag of crisps to round it off and you're done... for now. You'll probably need another coffee to melt some of the grease which is covering your tongue and the roof of your mouth. That's fine. Colitis loves all of these things, so you're doing good so far.
After a small afternoon snack like a pork pie and another bag of crisps or maybe a chocolate bar with a coke or coffee. Another option might be a Cornish pasty. Or hot-dog. A pizza or whatever takes your fancy really. Perhaps something a little more satisfying like a Shepherds Pie? You might like to consider the very popular All Day Breakfast on the way home followed by a small triple cheeseburger?
You'll be looking forward to a nice filling meal in the evening, so why not treat yourself and go out for a meal and get sated on a full 5 course meal at a local steak restaurant and have a proper meal. Plenty of meat. Real steak, the size of a small suitcase just like our Argentinian cousins enjoy. Not many vegetarians in Argentina as they like nothing better than a good steak. Except perhaps a salsa session. Or one after the other. Sorry, I digress. So, plenty of red, rare, almost raw meat, quivering with newly slain life. A concession of a few onions with it as a vegetable. But no greens. No fruit.
Note: Try not to park your car more than a few yards (metres) from the restaurant. Exercise is anathema. You'll spoil the whole idea of your objective of developing a really raw, bleeding, pustulating, inert or spastic colon.
Later, when you're watching TV, enjoying a sports game or a movie, have a few cans of lager, beer or whatever. You'll probably become conscious of that familiar 'empty' feeling...again. What do you do? I would suggest either sending out for a nice monster pizza, preferably one with lots of cheese topping.
Alternatively, why not liberate that rather large frozen chocolate cake from the freezer and consume it... in one go? A very satisfying accomplishment it is too. Don't forget more beer or coffee. Both are good. Together? No problem! Just enjoy your life. Ignore what all those silly people advise on those TV health channels. They're just spoilsports.
If you're worried about anything, no problem, just have something to eat. Anything. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die. And because 'tomorrow never comes' there's no real reason why you should listen to anyone, especially those faddy health freaks.
After a few months you may find that you have put on a little extra weight. But don't concern yourself too much about that because once the colitis kicks in you'll start to loose it again. It's just the way it goes. So follow the above advice and remember never to exercise as it goes against everything we preach to get yourself out of condition.
Final tips:
For a change from beer and liquor, drink plenty of cow's milk.
Never drink water.
Luxuriate in adding liberal amounts of fresh cream to coffee.
Never be tempted to eat fruit or vegetables. If however you are forced to ingest a vegetable, be sure that it's well cooked. I would recommend at least half and hour on full power so there is no sensation of fibre when eating.
If you lead a stressful life, so much the better. This is certainly conducive to colitis. You probably have the basis for this dis-ease already. So Good Luck.
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